


Rescued but not saved

by The_silent_smile



Series: The not-so-happy life of Anthony Edward Stark [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Arguing, Hurt Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 20:52:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19181170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_silent_smile/pseuds/The_silent_smile
Summary: Tony Stark arrives back home after nearly dying on Titan and in the depts of space. Though the feeling of being utterly lost does not go away once he is in a place that screams familiarity.





	Rescued but not saved

**Author's Note:**

> Mind the tags and be prepared for a nonesensical rollercoaster loaded to the brim with angst.  
> I wrote this when we only had the trailer for Endgame and I love how, no matter how little I knew of the movie, I knew Tony had to yell at Steve some day.

All the Avengers are involved but the only actual relationship in there is Pepper and Tony. You can see the other interactions as relationships if you want of course.

White dots resembling the stars in the galaxy around him clouded his vision, the black once having long passed. That, or he had become used to them by the constant and slowly increasing lack of air.

He couldn't feel the hunger anymore either.  
The growling sounds his stomach had made having died down, it seemingly having to use all resources it had to keep his body running.

The only reminder of the fact that he hadn't drunk in nearly four days were his tongue feeling like sandpaper in his mouth and the intensely difficult task that speaking had become, each syllable feeling like he was swallowing nails, every extra inhale he took because he wanted to say something shortening his time on the ship and in full consciousness with roughly 4.8 second.

So they remained silent for the most part.

Grunts of pain when he sat up or huffs of annoyance or boredom having long since past their routines that were now almost non-existent as well.

'Sleep when you can because it wastes less oxygen',  
'Walk around every few hours so your muscles will keep working and your blood keeps circulating'  
'Stay close to the windows so if any ship comes by we won't miss it' had all faded into a grey fog as wide and unending as the blue, green and black part of the galaxy they were floating in when the engine stopped and he wasn't able to repair it because it needed an outside job and he had neither a functioning suit he could make or use, nor the mental stability to ever go out there where it was dark and unending and the only thing keeping him from drifting into nothingness was a cord that would also supply his oxygen.

They had drifted around in this part of the galaxy for weeks now. He only knew this fact because of the stupid Hello Kitty watch a now older, taller and withier boy had sent him as a birthday present a few years back when the only threat had been his own mind and a few hotheads who claimed to want to renew the world led by a guy who seemingly wanted to become a human dragon.

The watch barely fit around his wrist and the pink painted fake leather had faded and torn, but it had batteries in it which he had renewed weeks before an orange glowing portal had opened up in central park and he grabbed Pepper by the arm protectively, so the thing was still ticking and the time still showing.

He'd never taken the thing off except for when he showered or the batteries needed to be changed, feeling like it was the least he could do for the boy that had helped him so long ago.

It took Nebula all of two minutes to get his attention.

Not wanting to touch him without warning because the last time she had done so he'd shortened his time with air by two hours because of the panic attack he'd launched into.

When he finally became aware of her he looked up, not bothering anymore to flash her the press smile he'd tried to use on her for the first week.

"Your helmet is in the control room so you'll be most visible in the video recording, it's time to send her your message Tony."

He nodded his head silently, holding onto a piece of metal that had once been used as a shelf to get himself standing, holding his arm outstretched so he could support his weight on the wall as he walked, slowly making his way passed Nebula who just followed his movement with her eyes until going back to the bunks that the previous owners of the ship had slept in, sitting down on her spot on her sisters bed again and running her hand over the clam sheets like she had done for three weeks now.

Tony sunk down to his knees in front of the battered helmet held together by the last of the nanoparticles the housing in his chest had held. 

It had been just enough; just enough to make a helmet that would function. Just enough to have it contain enough energy to record and send a message to Friday before shutting down also.

He moved slowly, the pain from his wound long having rolled into numbness but still careful with them as he placed his hand around the edge of the helmet, pressing a button before the blue scanners ran over his body and he tapped on the side of the metal shell.

"This thing on? ... Hey miss Potts-..."

***

When he walked back to his usual spot again he checked his watch;  
"3 AM... Four hours left Nebs."

The woman just watched him silently. A thing he had learned wasn't out of caution or anything similar but more just a habit of her to keep her calm, a sense of control comes with knowing what's going on around her.  
He knew this all too well.

Oh, how many times he had spied on his teammates, friends and even Pepper before the said woman found out and made him promise he would not do so anymore.  
When he had admitted it helped him wind down because he felt like he was in control about some part of his life she had simply smiled at him sadly and patted his cheek.

"What are you going to do when I go? Who are you going to watch?"  
The sounds were painful to produce but he felt that he needed to know, needed to say something to her before he went.

"I'm going to be watching the stars and wonder which one is closest to your home.  
And then, finally, I am going to get your body to her, Tony. It will lessen her grief. Give her a proper chance to say goodbye."

Tony simply looked at her. The woman who would be able to live on without oxygen because of the metal her father had replaced most of her body with.

There wasn't any verbal response, but his eyes, long rid of the many masks he'd put on over the years and never been able to take them off once they were put on, his eyes told her he was thankful.

And then his eyes closed, breaths short and careful.  
He had said that he wanted to go in his sleep even though his mind rarely allowed it.  
And, as his head lulled to the side, her knowing he would snap awake very soon, either by a night terror or a panic induced through lack of air, her lips twitched upwards, almost as if she had the urge to smile while she watched her friend try to find peace in a time and place that would never allow him to have such a thing.

And right before he drifted off, he heard her voice, gentle and soft and so very different from the angry growl it had been weeks ago.

"Sleep well Stark."

***

He awoke not because there was a shortage of air, but a complete lack of it.

His eyes blown wide as he clawed at his throat, Nebula now sitting beside him, cradling his body close to her chest while something resembling a tear slipped out from under her closed eyelids.

The last thing he heard before the black spots overpowered the white ones and everything turned dark, was her soft voice singing a familiar tune song in his mother's tongue.

A song he had taught her in the first week and that his first caretaker had sung to him when he was still little and crying because his father had left bruises when he hadn't been able to finish the math problem his father had given the four-year-old.

The nice lady had always told him his mother had sung it for him in a hospital room while he lay crying in her arms when the world was still new and bright and his eyes had opened for the very first time.

***

Nebula held him like that until he went limp in her arms, until there suddenly was a sound of something resembling an engine or perhaps a sort of blaster and her view on the stars they had both hated so sincerely was blocked by a silhouette resembling the body of a woman, the mechanical suit illuminated by the harsh glowing circle placed on the very centre of her chest, the sheer brightness of it making Nebula shield her eyes against it.

But still, she was smiling while holding Tony pressed close to her, making sure the figure was able to see and identify his face still.

The familiar glowing slits that resembled the eyes of the helmet seemed to light up just a tad bit more as she saw him before the suit flew towards the doors of the ship.

Nebula laid Tony down as carefully and quickly as possible before dashing towards the doors, pressing the first button which opened the first door, closing it as soon as the suit stood in the airtight room.  
Another button press and the suit ran into the room, kneeling down next to Tony as the helmet retracted into the armour and long strawberry blonde hair fanned over her face.

Pepper Potts, face covered with a transparent layer that provided her with oxygen, cradled Tony's head in her iron-gloved hands while putting a disk on his neck, the same transparent layer spreading over his face while she whispered his name over and over again, looking for signs of him being alive still.

Nebula was just standing at a fair distance and watched her, well aware of who this must be and hoping to god that she hadn't come just a moment too late.

"Tony. Tony love, please wake up. Please. You can't leave like this Tones we were- we were having a baby remember? We would get married and go to Venice for our honeymoon. I was- I would take three weeks off and you would- you would show me around and rant about everything and ramble on and we'd- God Tony, please. Don't leave Tones."

Nebula now noticed how one of the iron hands had a gold band clumsily lased around her ring finger, clearly her own work.

She noticed how her voice sounded pleading but not yet desperate, not yet lost as if he was already gone.

"How long was he out for?"  
Pepper now turned towards the woman, seemingly unphased about the fact that she was both blue and mostly cyborg.

"Please, Miss how long has he- how long has it been?"

Ah, now there was a hint of hopelessness laced through her voice, making it waver slightly. A tremor in the still waters that could turn into a tsunami in mere seconds.

"He had lost consciousness about twenty seconds before you flew in front of the window."

Pepper nodded and turned her head towards Tony again, eyes racking his body desperately before she let out a little scream, one of the armoured hands in her suit retrieving into the arm with soft metallic clicks revealing a thin, trembling hand which she laid on his neck. Checking for a heartbeat, she realised.

"I- I'm going to try to shock his heart into running again."

The tremble had turned into a shiver as she ripped his shirt open, the task easy because of the added strength of the armour, and placed the still gloved hand on his chest.  
"One, two three..." She whispered before the palm of the hand lit up blue and a shock wrecked through his body.

Still unresponsive.

"Again." Nebula growled, now her voice trembling also.

He was supposed to die a glorious death protecting his the universe and the ones he loved, was supposed to go out kicking and screaming, not this silent long route of suffering and dying mere seconds before rescue.

Pepper nodded and pressed on his chest a few times before placing her hand down again, blue glow lighting up the dark room once more as his body spasmed.

Nothing.

"Again."

Nothing.

"Again."

Nothing.

"Miss Potts... I don't believe he's-" "Again" She growled out through gritted teeth. The tremble having become a tsunami, tears streaming down her sickly pale cheeks, brows frowned as she pressed down a few times. One, two, three. One, two three. One, two, thr-

When she shocked his body again he bolted upright, gasping for air before he realised he had more than enough which made him stop, staring at the floor in front of him with wide eyes as he took one shaking breath after another.

"Tony..."

His head shot up as he heard that achingly familiar voice, eyes growing even wider as he looked at her, sobbing and shaking heavily, hand losing its blue light slowly as it was still turned outwards, the repulsor on the hand turning back to its original place.

"Pepper."

And suddenly she had two arms full of trembling mechanic, his head buried in her shoulder while the suit slowly bled away and back into the round housing that dropped into her lap as soon as the last of the particles had retracted into it.

He was still taking deep, shaking breaths, almost as if he could barely believe the fact that he was allowed enough oxygen.

"Did I die?"  
"Yes. But we got you back. I- I made you come back Tones."

And all of a sudden she wasn't so sure that the sobs that that sentence ripped from his throat were because he was relieved.

His continues whispers of 'why, why, why' making her blood run cold.

"Tony? Tony love, talk to me."  
"Why didn't you come later Pep, why didn't you-why-why didn't you just let me die. Why didn't-"

Nebula carefully grabbed Pepper by her shoulder and took her a few feet away from Tony, the women watching helplessly as the engineer curled in on himself, hugging his own frame as he rocked back and forth.

"God... What happened to him?" Pepper whispered, Nebula just shook her head, not able to take her eyes off her friend who seemed to be launching into a panic attack as he tried to make himself as small as possible in front of the giant window.

"Miss Potts, if you will lend me the device that contains the suit I can try to fix the ship from the outside while you stay here with him... All we can offer him right now is comfort."

Pepper was vaguely aware that she nodded, Nebula leaving her side again after she had taken the housing for the nanoparticles out of the woman's hand, off to repair the ship so they could have a chance at going home.

"Tony..."

After a solid minute of seemingly not being able to move a muscle, Pepper finally took a slow step forward, making sure to make a noise so Tony would know that she was moving towards him.  
It had never been this bad.

Of course, right after New York, he hadn't been able to sleep, body riddled with anxiety and thoughts about wormholes and what horrors lay on the other side.  
And then again, when Friday had located him in a cold bunker laid in a freezing landscape, it had been bad. It had taken weeks to get him to eat a proper meal, let alone ease the wild swing between panic and depression he seemed to be in into the sad numbness he would spend most days in.

But this was bad. The panic attacks had never been this bad of course but now... Now he was literally cursing her for saving him. For making sure he stayed alive.

"Tony, may I touch you?"  
She didn't have to ask for a long time, but after whatever had happened on that spaceship or the place it had brought him too, she couldn't be sure.

It took him all of thirty seconds to reply with a shaky 'yes' and then she was holding him, lifting his body slightly so she could rest his head against her shoulder, taking one of his heavily shaking hands and placing it on her chest to let him feel her breathing pattern.

It took another ten minutes before he was able to mimic it, the tears not stopping but the whimpers having died down after a while, his voice hoarse from what she assumed was lack of water or fluids altogether. 

So she took out the flask she had taken with her, opening the bottle and holding it to his lips, prying them open with the opening and sighing in relief as he began slowly drinking the water that felt godlike on his dried out tongue.

After he'd drank about half the bottle she took it away, taking out an apple for him to eat as well.

In the back of his mind, he was vaguely wondering how she had managed to keep the items hidden beforehand, but he was quickly falling into a state Pepper had started calling the aftermath;

A state of mind he would slip into after a traumatic event, flashbacks or sever attack in which taking care of him became insanely easy. Almost worryingly so, as he let you do almost everything to him, his mind so far away from all of his surrounding, retrieving into a little bomb shelter he'd built for it for when he got hurt.

If you came to help, he would let you take him out of the room he was currently in, (nine out of ten times this would be the lab) he would eat and drink and even let you put him in the shower or under the covers as if he had transformed into someone living to please, a robot made to do exactly as the people around him say.

If nobody came looking for him he would stay there, sitting or laying perfectly still, staring at the same spot for hours, sometimes days on end.

Most of the time Jarvis and later on Friday would call her, Rhodey and sometimes Happy down to help or try to shake the AI's creator out of whatever it was he had fallen in to.  
U, Butterfingers and Dum-E buzzing around him worriedly, not wanting to touch their dad as it would scare him and not knowing what else to do.

The few times that it had gotten really bad; the times where he had muted the AI, locking all the doors and preventing Friday from contacting any of the people that might be able to help, she had to see him wake up in a hospital bed, his eyes unfocused and confused for a moment, a second of peace, before the panic that came with having wires attached to his chest kicked in.

So she was careful.  
Watching as her spouse ate the fruit slowly, the core being eaten as well as his subconscious seemed to realise he had been starving before. 

And she wanted so desperately to know what happened except for the obvious.  
But Tony was not mentally well enough to be able to answer that question in the slightest.  
Not that he ever would be, but of course she was not yet aware of just how bad it had been.

"We lost, Pep."

Her head shot up, surprised to hear him speak as it would normally take a good hour for him to regain his words.  
But then again, this was everything but a normal situation.

"Who is we, Tones?"

"We... The guardians and us. We met them shortly after landing, wanted to kick Thanos' ass as much as we did, maybe more.  
We put up a good fight together but he-... he was too powerful, Pep. Stabbed me with my own blade and was going to end it for good."

"You-You were stabbed? and... who is 'we' without the Guardians, love?"

"Yeah with my own blade." He continued, she wasn't surprised as he avoided the other question. But it did make her worry even more. If he wasn't willing to talk about it it must be truly bad.

"Right through the liver. I can't tell if it still hurts because everything has gone numb these past few weeks. But don't worry okay? I sprayed it close with nanoparticles so I won't bleed out, look!"

Pepper inhaled sharply as he moved the cut up shirt away from his abdomen, revealing a poorly closed and definitely infected wound, closed off so the infections couldn't worsen and the wound couldn't heal by what looked like pixelated bandaged, her knowing it would feel like plastic or metal if she were to touch it.

"Oh, Tony..."

"Yeah, but that's not the worst part.  
The worst part is that Thanos was going to kill me, imagine that! A death that might mean something! That might not go down in history as that of a selfish, arrogant womanizer!  
But no. He wouldn't let me because it can never be that easy! He gave up the stone and minutes later people started disappearing and it was all because I can't even die properly.

When the guardians disappeared I still thought it might be some weird alien thing. That we- that we'd be safe but-... but..."

Pepper rubbed his back helplessly, nothing she knew to do that could help her husband.  
And suddenly her blood ran cold as she vaguely remembered a missing person report on a young teenager crossing the news, his picture appearing after Tony's which of course had been the top story.  
And suddenly she realised why the name had rung a bell in the back of her mind back then, at the time having been swooped aside by the worry for Tony that was clouding her mind.

"Who is we, Tones?"

"I just told you the Guardians ran into us on-" "Yes love, I know, but who was with you before you met the Guardians? Who else was there honey?"

When he averted his eyes and rubbed his hand like he was trying to get something of off them, she knew it had to be him.

"The kid came to help me when he saw the spaceship in New York. He got beamed up because I told him to go after Doctor Strange, the man from the park, who had been taken hostage by one of Thanos' followers.  
I tried to send him back home bu the kid stayed on the ship.

He- Strange faded first but then I heard-... then he-he-..."

And suddenly the tears were back, though this time silent. And her heart shattered.  
They had joked about Tony just moving the kid and his aunt to the tower after it had been cleared out, had laughed when Tony told her Peter had accidentally called him dad, him brushing it off as a funny mistake, though her heart was singing at the glitter in his eyes.

The genuine look of being utterly thrilled that the boy could ever think about him that way.

"Peter was a wonderful and gifted kid Tony. And we will find a way to set everything right I promise.  
But for that to work, I need you to help me get you both home okay? I don't know how to fly this thing but you and that lady do...  
I need you to get us home Tony."

***

It took them three days to fly home, the ship more or less crashlanding in CentralPark because it was the nearest open field they could find.

Pepper had supposedly gotten to them so quickly through asking Wong, the other magician to open up a portal near them.  
But as the man could only hold it for a few moments seeing as it was too far away for him to do so any longer and this took a lot of energy, they needed to take the ship to actually get to earth.

Food and water had nearly run out again before they caught sight of the blue planet.

The crash was more violent as he had anticipated it to be. Making sure no people were on the open field, he tried to pull the ship upwards a bit to soften the blow as they hadn't had time to fix the battered landing mechanism.

The move backfired and the ship made contact with the ground, slipping through the grass and dirt and leaving a path of destruction on the green field of approximately a hundred meters before it came to a definite stop.  
Metal laid smoking and battered from everything that had happened before this.

The impact had caused the wound to split open again.

Where the nanoparticles had previously kept any blood from getting out, they had now more or less pierced into his skin, both drawing blood and making an opening for the stab wound to let it pool around him as it hadn't been able to heal.

A crowd formed rather quickly as an ambulance was called and Pepper Potts, who had been missing for three days, stepped out of the alien spaceship.

The crowd nearly spread out over the entire field by the time loud yells of surprise could be heard from the front as what appeared to be a blue alien cyborg helped the medics get a heavily bleeding and all around broken looking Anthony Edward Stark, out of the ship.

The man, who had been presumed dead by now, looked so small and fragile, nothing of the usual press smiles and charisma remaining, that a video of the medics taking him to the ambulance quickly went viral, theorists jumping it like animals and making up the wildest stories while the few news companies still operative reported on the happened explicitly.

Other people who were less kind mumbled about how they were surprised he dared to show his face and that he had something to do with everyone being gone.

The remaining Avengers wanted to see him as soon as they had gotten the news.

But Tony went back to the Malibu mansion that had been rebuilt since the terrorist attack plunged it into the ocean. Pepper and Nebula coming with him, Pepper not wanting to leave his side as to convince herself that he was safe, Nebula simply not having another place to go as she didn't know where the other Guardians were and if they even were at all.

And Friday greeted him, relief woven thick through her voice as it echoed through the rooms.

And he locked the doors, them all having agreed upon not answering when there was banging on the doors or when the voices of Captain America and Black Widow sounded through the intercom, Friday only opening the doors when Colonel James Rhodes arrived and wrapped his arms around his friend without saying a word.

And maybe they were both crying but that was alright.

Because the world had ended and no amount of comfort could make up for that.

And when Rhodey opened the basket he had been carrying, Nebula was crying too.

Because normally, seeing Rocket curled up in the basket while hugging himself close would make for an insult or joke.  
But Rocket was all alone and holding a twig grasped in his small hand like his life depended on it. 

And his whole being deflated as he crawled out of it and Nebula hugged him close, whispering 'they're all gone' over and over and over until they didn't sound like words anymore.

***

When he returned to the lab for the very first time after having been in the mansion for two weeks already, his three bots swarmed him like bees would do a beehive;

Dum-E grabbing at his clothing and arms as if he couldn't believe his dad had returned, buzzing happily whiles doing so.  
Both U and Butterfingers doing similar things while making the same delighted whirling noise.

Yet he felt as if he had been wrung empty.

Every last drop of his essence, of what made him 'him', squeezed out until he was left with this dry lifeless shell.

And that's where he finally let himself cry over them. U doing his best to provide something similar to a hug while B and Dum-E buzzed around him, both of them holding a box with tissues while doing so. 

And Friday told him how the buzzing was just them chanting his name, the slightly lower tone suggesting they felt at least a part of his sorrow.

And she told him about all the things the bots had knocked over while he was gone.  
About how Dum-E had started a fire and tried to both put it out and clean up the mess it had created, the evidence of this disaster a vague black spot on the floor that had obviously undergone some attempts of being scrubbed away and a copy of a biography written about his father laying black and unreadable in the trashcan.

The simple residing of his bots their stupid incidence helped ground him a bit. The two tissue boxes that bumped into him and the female voice with the Irish accent calmed him down until he was able to walk up the stairs again, wordlessly going up to Rhodey who, after taking one look at his friend, opened his arms and engulfed him in a hug.

"It hurts Rhodes. It hurts so much."

The colonel held him close, desperately trying to fight off the memories of a broken and much much younger Tony saying the exact same thing to him as they got the report that his parents had died. That his mother had died.  
His own loss ripping at his chest with the violence of a wolfhound as he pressed the mechanic close, both of their faces stained with tears, every drop a memory that would hurt to remember from now on.

"I know Bunny, I know."

Later that evening they made plans to arrange a meeting with the remaining Avengers, Tony not yet knowing who had been left to mourn and who was currently being mourned as he had refused anyone who had tried to tell him. Feeling as if, if there was even one little bit of sorrow and grieving added to his unending list that threatened to flood his whole being, that he would drown. Needing to work through a least a bit of it before accepting that billions had died outside of the little bubble he had created around himself.

Billions that he couldn't safe.

Billions that would still be alive if he had just-

That night he and Pepper sat on the couch. Part of it having been turned around so they could watch the ocean from the open window, her laying against him, heels abandoned and long legs pulled up on the couch as she swirled patterns on the back of his hand with her fingertips, the soft touch and slightly tickling sensation so gentle it could bring him to tears if he would think about it long enough.

"You know, Happy always said this was his least favourite house of yours. 'On the edge of a cliff and barely holding on,' I believe he said."

Tony nodded absently, the small sting in his heart and the twitch of his left hand by the hearing of the man's name clouding the sky a bit. But then again, it was always stormy these days.

"His favourite was the interior of the apartment in Queens that you bought as an emergency so you always had a place to stay if the kid was in trouble and you needed to keep an eye on him.  
It has a homely feel to it I think he described it as.  
I have to agree with him. That one is my favourite as well. I can see us growing old together there. Raise a family even. God, he would have had a heart attack if we had another Stark running around."

They both laughed quietly, though neither really out of joy.

No, it was more of a humourless laugh. Finding it almost funny how that possible future, that chance on proper recovery and a happy ending, had been stripped from them in no more than a day.

And suddenly she was telling him about how she hadn't seen Happy go. 

How she had been focused on the computer that had been trying to pick up signs of where Tony might be and that she'd seen some movement in the corner of her eye.

That, when she turned to look, there had only been ash that twirled on its way towards the ground. How the coffee cup he had been holding had spilt the hot brown liquid and ruined whatever chance she had at gathering the ashes together.

That she still had his badge in her coat pocket.

And Tony told her about Peter.

About the kid's school and his friend Ned who had nearly passed out when Tony walked into the kid's room once to bring him the updated web shooters and to see how things were going.  
About his obvious crush on MJ and the rants, he could listen to for hours on end.

About how scared he was of filling in Howard's shoes and being a terrible mentor.

About how he had read three parenting books after a mental breakdown he had had when finding out Peter had nearly been crushed to death by a building in the events with Tooms.  
That the kid had proceeded to not tell Tony in fear of his hero thinking he was weak.

And about Titan.

About how he hadn't been an invincible hero like people made Spiderman out to be.  
That he had just been a scared teen, only a kid, as he stumbled towards him, begging him to save him as he fought against the death that had come for him.

About how he had just been a kid when he died.

About how he had looked at his hand, covered in the ashes that had been the kid, his kid, just a moment ago and how he had hoped that his hand would start fading too.

The room fell silent after that.  
Pepper just rubbing his hand comfortingly as they both looked out over the calm ocean with minds full of thunderstorms.

***

The first time he saw Steve again he had to repress the urge to clutch the housing in his chest protectively.

The man before him was a different one from the one that had left him to bleed out in the bunker though.  
This man was tired. Eyes empty and brows pulled into a seemingly permanent frown, nothing left of the soldier that faced conflict head-on and returned with a grin on his face.

"Hey, Steve."

They were alone in the conference room they had planned the meeting in. No distractions or other outside influences around them.  
Just them two trying to piece their broken relationship back together.

And maybe it didn't work. Maybe he couldn't fix it because they had been broken from the start.  
They didn't talk about Siberia. Just diving head first into the rolls they had taken on since the first day they had met, friendly but no more than that.

They talked about the casualties, both of them not looking at the other as they stated who had died and where they had been at the time the snap happened. And both of them ignored the chocked up layer the other's voice got when talking about the deaths, emotions buried deep as they had always been when in the presence of the other.

And they tried to come up with a plan to get them back. They would try to track down Thanos and face him together, the combined forces of all of the Avengers left gave them a small chance at overpowering the Titan.

And they parted with a handshake. Friendly but cold, both not having said a word about the events that had caused Rhodey his ability to properly walk. That had caused Tony his trust in people. That had caused Steve his home.

And he met up with the other Avengers once he left the conference room, all of them standing by the door. Waiting for him to come out so they could see him themselves.

Bruce hugged him as if he were the only thing that mattered to him at that moment, Tony just hugging him back, expression blank as he tried to pull off the mask that Steve's presence had made him put on. 

After Bruce had finally let go he had a chance to see who was there. Who was left.

Bruce, Natascha, a young girl who he recognised from t'Challa his profile as his sister Shuri, a woman standing close to the princess protectively, spear in hand and eyes dark with grief and Thor, who had replaced his royal attire with a hoodie, hands pocketed and eyes cast downwards.

Five people. That meant that Sam had... And Wanda and Vision, T'Challa and Clint, Scott...

"Oh god."

"Tony I'm-... we're so glad you're back. Friday told us that if we came even close to being mean she would have someone behead us so I figured it has been rough huh? It uhm... Yeah, here it has been rough too."

Tony felt as if he could both laugh and cry at the situation. At how normal Bruce sounded and how casual he talked. He sounded just like he would when having had a rough week with an unfortunate blend of crappy mental health and stress from work mixed together.  
Not like half the universe and the most meaningful people in their own had just died, fading into nothingness.

He did neither laugh nor cry though. Instead just nodding and greeting everyone that hugged him as if he were on autopilot. He was vaguely aware of the fact that Thor just patted him on the back instead of giving him one of his infamous bone-crushing hugs and that he should be worried about that but couldn't seem to switch that emotion on right now.

"Tony?"

Coincidentally, the voice that had put him into this state of not really being there was also the one to pull him out of it.  
Steve Rogers stood in the doorframe that led to the room Tony had walked out of just minutes ago. His expression worried and almost annoyingly open as he outstretched his arms in a gesture that had never been directed towards him before.

And he felt himself stumble forwards. Wordlessly accepting the hug and wrapping his arms around the man's back loosely.

It was awkward, to say the least. The move unfamiliar and something he had never imagined Steve doing. The fact that the other Avengers were watching not helping in the slightest.

But the strong arms around him felt warm and he had been cold since they had landed on Titan. And if he closed his eyes and ignored the differences he could imagine it was Thor hugging him, it lessening but not completely taking away the fear that had washed over him as soon as Steve touched him.

"Bucky and Sam are gone, Tony."

"Everyone is gone, Steve."

"He didn't really take half the universe. He took half and left half to slowly die of grief."

"That he did."

***

"Were you going to kill me?"

The lights in Steve's apartment were all warm and set on a dim setting. Some turned off to create the illusion that it was evening behind the closed curtains.  
That or to provide a feeling of comfort he did not know.

"Do you think I was?"

He hated this with a burning passion. How they sat in this part of the compound he had bought for them all and how he didn't feel welcome.  
How they were just tiptoeing around the actual issue.

Hated how he understood why Steve had done it. Or at least partly.  
Poor timing and a person he would give up everything for being charged with a crime he said he didn't commit. Peggy her death, the accords and the incident with Wanda ha all blended together to create this massive shitshow and make him act in a way he might not have in another lifetime.

"Let me ask you this; were you going to kill Bucky?"

"If I would have I would have never forgiven myself and you know that.  
But I acted without thinking. After seeing that footage I-... I did what any person would have done when faced with a video of your parent's murder and the killer stood right beside you.  
I was blinded by rage Steve. You need to understand that."

"You acted without thinking. That can hardly be excused."

"Can't it? I believe T'Challa did the exact same and he was forgiven. And I would not have done so,- all of this, the airport battle. What happened in Syberia- could have been prevented if you had told me, Steve."

The mood shifted now. Their voices getting harshed and mugs of tea cooling down, the beginning of an argument stirring the tides and he was leading them right into it.

But this had been long coming.  
They needed to have this argument if they wanted any chance at recovering their relationship even if it would only be the cool uncaring one they had had before.

"That isn't exactly something that's easy to work into a conversation-"  
"Then you should have found a way, Steve! Natasha told me you had at least had a hunch already when the helliecarriers crashed. You knew he had something to do with it. You knew when we were at the airport because you told her afterwards that Bucky had explained what Zemo was after. You knew Steve. You knew and you lied right to my face saying that you didn't"

"Yeah well we were hardly on speaking terms when he told me now were we? How would that have gone? 'Hey, Tony I know my buddy just beat the shit out of you and all but hey I got some news for you! Turns out he killed your parents!' as if that would have gone well!."

"Could've at least explained it in that godawful bunker when I first got there Steve for fuck sake!"

"You expect me to apologise while you tried to kill us both in there? I wasn't the one starting that goddamn gith Tony now if you-"

"You left me in Syberia to bleed out and Die!"

He hadn't realised just how much that had truly bothered him until he had screamed those words at the man in front of him, hands shaking as he bawled them into fists. Voice rough and unforgiving.

And Steve took it like a true soldier. Head held high and shoulders tense but remaining broad, no signs of discomfort or shock at the outburst.

"And I am truly sorry for that. Like I said in the letter I hope you can forgive me and that you will maybe, one day, see why I did what I did and understand it."

With that, Steve got up and slowly made his way towards the hallway, leaving Tony alone with one definite bang, the door shutting and the sound of the lock falling into its place.

All that could be seen in the dimly lit room was a man, hands still shaking as he clenched and unclenched his fists, seemingly caught in his thoughts as the steam of two still half-filled mugs, slowly circled upwards.

***

Talking to Bruce after not having seen him for such a long time, years parting the moment of the quinjet getting lost and the man falling into his arms after Strange had stepped out of that portal. It somehow felt just as normal, was just as comfortable talking with him about everything and nothing at the same time. It felt as if it had barely been a week and a thousand years at the same time. 

Bruce told him about Sakaar.  
About how he didn't remember the past few years and that Thor had helped him calm down and catch up to all that had happened.  
He told him about how Loki was good now and that Asgard had been destroyed and that Loki and Heimdall were dead. Upon asking who the later was, Bruce said he was a gatekeeper and, after a breathy laugh that held untold stories and memories, that he also was the only Asgardian in charge with common sense.

Thor himself was sitting on a couch in the lab, keeping his distance so they could have their privacy while talking but staying close enough to jump into action for if anything would be to threaten Banner.

The God wore the same ridiculously large hooie he'd worn when Tony had first seen him three days ago, looking nothing like the royale he once was.

If he were to believe half of what Bruce had told him, then the God had lost more than anybody should have to. Grieved more than anybody should have to.  
Bruce, being the only one that shared this specific loss with him, made sure Thor knew he wouldn't leave him if he could prebent it. The two of them always close to each other, Tony having been informed by Jarvis and later on Bruce himself that Thor slept in Banners room more often than not; Watching him intensely before ultimately passing out on the chair beside the scientist's bed.

Banner, upon finding the God curled in on himself in a chair that could hardly be comfortable, made sure that Thor knew he didn't find it disturbing and that he understood. That an obsessive need for control and observation of the once we love was a normal way of grieving.

He let the God sleep in his bed after that, keeping their distance at first but letting himself be wrapped in THor's arms and pressed against his chest soon after. 

They both needed comfort after all.  
After everything that had happened, it was the least they could ask for.

***

Clint hadn't dusted.

This information was given to Tony through Natasha who had gone to the Barton farm as quickly as possible after the snap. Worried out of her mind as Clint wasn't taking her calls.

She had found four piles of ash upon searching the house.

The ex-assassin nearly screamed when she found the first one.  
Laura her favourite mug lay shattered between the ashes, a toy that she knew to be Nathaniel's as she had given it to him on his first birthday, had rolled under the couch, Natasha assuming Laura had picked it up to put it away when it had happened.

The second pile she found laying on the couch, for the most part, a nappy laying on and under it, making it painfully clear who had been ripped away from her on this particular place.  
Her nephew had gone too.

Only two years old and the universe had decided he would be one of the people who's life would stop with the snap of someone's fingers.

The two other piles were worse because she couldn't tell which was which.  
The two of them laid spread out as if a wind had blown them apart or they had been running when it had happened.

Chasing each other maybe.  
But when she looked at where another coffeecup had smashed and how there were coffee stains in the form of two running feet on the carpet she knew they were running towards something.  
Or someone in this case. Desperately seeking comfort as they faded into nothingness, yelling out for their parent to tell them what was happening while he just ran towards them, not reaching them, his own children, in time and seeing them fade away, what had once been a solid arm now running through his fingers like sand.

The bow was gone and so were all the spare arrows he had stocked away in the save behind the closet, a not stuck to the inside of the closet door:  
'Don't come and find me, Nat. You will not like what I will be doing or what I've become.'

She didn't.  
Knowing that if she would he would be on the run and she didn't want him to feel like he wasn't safe anywhere. Not again.

***

But life went on.

And they tried to find a way back and time and time again they hit a dead end.

And the world tried to live with the grief that weighed on them all like a neverending rainfall, the clouds never seeming to get any lighter and the rain never lessening.

They tried for so long but none were able to actually find a way, all of them had left the last shred of hope somewhere around the time when the people they loved most faded right in front of them.

Pepper stayed at his side, holding his hand in the car and rubbing his back when he threw up as the images became too much, to realistic.  
And he kissed her lips softly as they laid in bed on a good day, she curled into him, legs tangled underneath the covers. And he kissed her tears away when she sat crying on the kitchen floor, body shaking as they made their way down her cheeks, every tear a piece of a memory too painful to remember.

But they stayed together.  
And when a pregnancy test showed them how life was still able to be created and not only destroyed they stayed together. Both of them terrified to have a kid because life could be taken away from them so very easily. But they decided to keep it and when a line on a plastic stick turned into a visit to the clinic they talked about how little Morgan would change the world someday.

And when little Morgan brought along a brother, the two kids laying on their mother's chest as Tony traced tiny circles on her hand and looked at the two kids sleeping soundly, he felt that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to be happy again.

And when the birth certificates were made public, the news reporters jumping on it as if they had not had anything cheerful to report in months (given, the only news he had seen was bad) the two children and their parents made the front page for more than a week.

And Pepper squeezed his hand as he held the little boy, his hand poking out from underneath the blanket they had gotten for him he smiled at her, his kid opening his eyes for the very first time and blinking up at his dad who could only watch. He knew Pepper was smiling at him too as she held their daughter close.

After a moment Tony finally felt able to form at least somewhat of a proper sentence as he stuck out his finger, the baby grabbing it enthusiastically.  
The name would sting each time he'd use it. But it was worth it. He was sure it was worth it. If only so the kid would have something to be remembered by.

The little fingers that curled around his own were soft and warm as he placed a gentle kiss on the kid's forehead, the boy cooing at the gesture as pulled back to look at him. Only two words leaving his lips as he smiled down at him gently:

"Hey, Peter."


End file.
